A Whirlwind of Thoughts A Ros sonfic
by Beautifull Enigma
Summary: post 8x05 SPOILERS Ros's thoughts on past love grief and drama and Lucas? what of him? Should he REALLY be with Sarah? CAn she REALLY live without Adam? who can she trust? Can she ever forgive herself for Jo's death? song: Flowers for a ghost


_**OK So I originally said I wasn't a Lucas/ Ros fan and I'm not an obsessive one ( no that's Lucas/Veta ; ) ) but I if it ever happened I wouldn't hate it. So this is a one shot song fic for Ros with Ros/Adam AND Ros/Lucas in it . It's set after 8x05 where we know Ros knows about Lucas and his "Boston beauty" .So with that out of the way forgive me if I make Ros HATE Sarah I'm not saying she doesn't but I really didn't like Sarah something about her felt off and when we realised her crimes it made that make sense. It's about loosing Jo and Adam and how she's worried she has feelings for Lucas . So Lucas part is AU : )**_

_**Song; Flowers For A Ghost by thriving Ivory (cause it reminded me of her)**_

**Whirlwind of Thoughts**

Ros lay awake she remembered doing this is exact same thing last week when… well, when a .. mistake killed Jo.

_Push it out of your thoughts, Ros_, she shook the thoughts away cursing to herself _Section D can not afford for you to go all girly and soft . _

"Like Caulfield?" she chuckled _Lucas. What have you gotten yourself into. And all for love _

"If it even is love" she scoffed clambering out of bed. There were some things you just couldn't fight and if sleep didn't want to come to wouldn't.

She walked out into the lounge and as passed her telephone table she stopped. She only had one photo in her whole apartment. One thing someone could trace her with . She picked up the frame and Adam and her younger self smiled up at her. She didn't care if someone searched her house and found this . Adam was gone anyway.

_God! That cut her!. _She stiffened suddenly how long had it been since Adam's death had hurt her like that?

Perhaps it wasn't sudden perhaps it had been in the back of her mind all the time. Maybe she had been fighting to keep Adam's patriotic memory of England live. _What had England ever done for her except cause her to have to stage her death and leave him. Leave Adam. _

You disappear with all your good intentions  
And all I am is all I could not mention 

She remembered seeing him only moments before the explosion all each of them had managed was a quick quiet hello. She remembered the childish shock on his face, with a chuckle.

She pictured the scene in her head he had described: Her body in the coffin. Him leaning down to kiss her forehead

Like who will bring me flowers when it's over  
And who will give me comfort when it's cold

She remembered that night they shared warm and happy. She remembered trashing her hotel room after his death.. Because really after Malcolm quitting and loosing Adam, Zaf, Ben and now Jo who did she have left?

She remembered her work in Russia. _Rangefinder! Ha! What a horrid codename_

But really she remembered trying to shut Adam out of her thoughts telling herself this was where she needed to be. 

She took a plane to somewhere out in space  
To start a life and maybe change the world 

Tears she hated snuck into her eyes. This wasn't how it was meant to be: Adam dying. He should be here helping me get passed killing Jo. Oh you _killed_ her you fool! 

See I never meant for you to have to crawl  
No I never meant to let you go at all  
Oh no, Oh no  
Don't ever say goodbye 

All she could see was J's face as she fell to the ground. She tried to shake it. Clutching the frame and sitting on the couch.  
She'd shut all these emotions out. England had needed her to. She'd been fine. No, she had _told_ her self she was fine. 

See my head aches from all this thinkin'  
Feels like a ship God, God knows I'm sinkin' 

Thinking of loosing her friends seem to make her realize they _were _her friends. She'd gotten attached with out even realising it. Losing those colleagues seemed to force Harry and Lucas into her thoughts. _If she lost them would she grieve the same way ?_

For some strange reason she was worried about Lucas. Something about Sarah Caulfield felt the way Lucas has rushed into things didn't settle her either. Usually she would have shrugged it off telling herself _as long as it doesn't affect his work I don't care about his personal life_. But today it _had _affected his job Olig had used Sarah against. She hoped her knew what he was doing

Wonder what you do and where it is you stay  
These questions like a whirlwind, they carry me away 

Trying to figure this out had distracted her from Adam. This shocked her. He'd sat in the back her mind for so long and now this man, Lucas seemed to take the thoughts away . Hm..

And I said

Who will bring me flowers when it's over  


She smiled thinking of how Lucas' had staged as "Pete" bringing flowers, greeting her with a small kiss. He'd pulled of the role excellently. Almost fitting the part with that silky gentleman's voice. Lucas confused her. One minute he doesn't trust Harry, the next he's fighting to save him. One minute he's depressed that "Veta" is his handler, the next he's bedding some pretty blonde liaison officer.Olig's arrival had shown her a different side to Lucas .This man from Lucas' past seems to find his weak spots Ros had never noticed.His layers intrigued her.

And who will give me comfort when it's cold

_Adam isn't here to help you with Jo's death. Lucas is…_

_Stop it! Ros, you don't need him he's just another man! He won't replace Adam._

Perhaps that was the point he didn't remind her of Adam at all. She was moving on and that was a relaxing idea. She smiled remembering a talk with Lucas:

"_I heard you gave the politicians both barrels earlier"_

"_Well, when it comes to politicians, my only regret is only having the two to give them"_

_She had seen him smile to himself_

"_You were right though, we've got nothing to reproach ourselves for"_

"_Yeah , we do." He'd checked his phone before looking up at her "The bastards got one passed us " "and ever since I was a little girl I've been an annoyingly competitive and a perfectionist. And __that__ really annoys me"_

"_I bet that annoys your friends as well" he'd commented_

"_What was that you said to Marlin about friends? 'Overrated' I think it was" she'd given a small smile " Not a big one for dinner parties myself"_

She thought maybe that had interested him because he'd stopped and come closer

"_Colleagues though?" he'd asked_

"_Yeah. Lovers leave , friends annoy you , Families mess with your head" she'd taken a quick breath thinking of her father and all the things he'd done " Colleagues are O.K"_

_He'd seemed distrusting of Harry_

"_Harry sweated blood to get you back her. He'd rather die than ever let anything happen to you"_

_He'd taken that in for a while and with a soft smile had said "Yeah. Colleagues are Ok"_

Colleagues!!! That word brought Jo's death before her eyes. _You should have been here Adam!!! She cared for you almost as much as I did we both needed you!!_

She got frustrated. She'd sworn to herself she'd never trashed a room again but she leapt up and through the photo frame against the wall .

And who will I belong to when the day just won't give in  
And who will tell me how it ends and how it all begins 

NO matter what her heat was trying to convince her about Lucas, Sarah was in way over her head and would drag Lucas down with her. She wanted him to break it off but she could tell he wouldn't, _Don't let him being lovesick kill him. Please. Even if we just stay colleagues for a few years I need someone! Let him survive this mess _

oh, oh no, oh love  
Yeah, Don't ever say goodbye  


She let out a frustrated scream, picking up one pillow and throwing it on the other couch. Then suddenly she realised what she had done moments before. She hurried over and bent down to the photo.

"Adam" she whispered and much to her surprise started to cry. She put on a strong Façade in front of everyone but really she wants human contact as much as everyone else. The tears fell as she knelt down and brushed the broken glass away from her and Adam's faces

And I'm only human  
I said I'm only human  
I'm only human  
I said I'm only human  
I'm only human  
I said I'm only human, I'm human, I'm human

Too tired to clean up the mess properly she slipped the photograph out and clambered into bed. She lay awake looking at remembering all their times together. Finally she resolved the issue with herself.

"You know what he's like, Adam" she joked to the photo "You met him"

"I'll try and get him out of this mess with Caulfield" she laughed "And not just for my own ends for England too, like you would have wanted. And then…" she trailed of thinking to herself. _She __did __feel something for Lucas... hm. Interesting_

"..We'll see where we end up "She smiled softly. Ros slipped the photo into her beside draw and rolled over sleeping coming peacefully now.  


**Well there you have it. It was just sitting in the back of mind nagging me to write it. : ) I really hope she survives till season 9 but apparently Hermione Norris has a family so maybe she can't stay permanently. Oh well ; (**

**Hey, If anyone has a youtube account and is a Ros fan could you please give her tribute to this song ( with more than just the last 1: 30 mins that everyone uses ) I reckon it fits f=her so well. You don't have to use my story. Cause you might get her better than me cause I've only seen season7 and season 8 in full. If you want you can but maybe tell people about this if you do cause I'm a newbie ; ) and Novindalf if you read this you don't have to do the vid just to please me I'd rather someone did it if they really wanted to **


End file.
